


I Hate Love

by Sashataakheru



Series: Taskmaster Advent Calendar 2019 [21]
Category: Taskmaster (UK TV) RPF
Genre: Absence, Advent Calendar, Angst, Bisexual Angst, Bisexuality, Conflicted Emotions, Crying, Denial, Depression, Flirting, Freeverse poetry, Intimacy, Kissing, Loneliness, Lovesickness, M/M, One Night Stands, Pining, Poetry, Self-Hatred, Stream of Consciousness, Taskmaster Advent Calendar, Touch-Starved, dramatic bisexuals, drunk poetry, hiding his feelings, just talk you fools, unfulfilling sex, yearning for company
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:35:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21952309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: Dec 21: Far From Home1365 words of Greg being a Dramatic Bisexual, angsting about his conflicted feelings for Alex and how he definitely doesn't miss him (he absolutely does).
Relationships: Alex Horne/OFC, Greg Davies/Alex Horne, Greg Davies/Others
Series: Taskmaster Advent Calendar 2019 [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558771
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	I Hate Love

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest, I finished this ages ago, but didn't want to post out of order so. XD You all had to wait until I finished my winter solstice poem first. 
> 
> [Table of prompts is here.](https://3evilmuses.dreamwidth.org/84753.html) Feel free to make requests if you see a prompt you like and want me to write you a fic. <3

I see the shadows passing by  
hear footsteps in the hall  
think you're calling when you're not  
I never thought I'd miss you boy  
I'm always looking out for you  
hope that buzzer call is you  
but it never is  
You're too far from me  
and life is short but far too busy  
please let those footsteps at the door be you  
I text you at 2am  
make a drunk 'Merry Christmas' call  
can't help sending a card  
can't tell anyone though  
don't want them to know  
just how much I miss you  
someone's outside my door again  
shadows cast through to the floor  
but once again it's not you  
I know you're away, I am too  
It's Christmas after all  
it's not that I don't like my life  
but I wish so much I could see you right now  
I want to call  
but it's far too late  
you'll be asleep with her  
and that's fine, I’m not that kind of man  
maybe one day we'll do Christmas together  
maybe I won't have to miss you like this  
not even this whisky of yours  
tastes any good without you  
and it wasn't even a gift   
you just left it here six months ago  
and then said I could keep it  
when I offered to return it  
but I only drink it when I miss you  
which means it's nearly gone  
and I know it won't be long  
we'll see each other in a month  
but every day I'll miss you  
watching for your shadow  
to cross my threshold  
to hear your footsteps approach  
to hear your sweet voice again  
and finish this whisky with you  
but it's all just fantasy  
you're so very far from me  
and I’m happy I really am  
it's not like my life is empty without you  
but I do miss you boy  
when you're not here  
I miss your kisses and your gentle smile  
the way you care so much for me  
when I hardly think I deserve it  
how willing you are to   
just spend time with me  
how you fit so well beside me  
your touch calms me when nothing else does  
I miss the sweet way you kiss me goodnight  
and I never tell you any of this because  
I know you'll just do that thing you always do  
when you think I'm upset  
and just run to my side and hold my hand  
and it'll be even harder to let you go  
because I know you can't be mine  
and—god help me—I've written so many letters  
got you so many cards and gifts   
that I'll never give you  
can't bring myself to give you  
to let you know how much I miss you  
you'll think I'm a fool  
too caught up in his feelings  
I'd be too ashamed to tell you  
because it's not what you want  
you like it when I'm mean  
and I like that too  
but Alex my boy  
there have been far too many nights  
when I just wanted to call  
to hear your voice  
but it's too late  
you'll be out  
you're doing a gig  
you're with the band  
you're with your family  
it's not time  
you're on a date with her  
you'll be with others  
and a thousand other excuses  
I blame for not calling  
and just stare at my phone  
hoping you'll call  
even though you rarely do  
disappointed when it's someone else  
but too scared to follow through  
and the one time I do  
when I find my courage  
it's new year's eve—no, day  
it's after midnight after all  
it's so late, we're all drunk here  
I go outside and call you  
intending to spill my guts to you  
but as soon as I hear your voice  
I just panic, I can't do it  
I wish you a happy new year  
make some stupid jokes  
wish you a happy anniversary  
because I always remember that  
and she's there too, joining the conversation  
so I don't keep you long  
and go back to the party  
where it's too loud  
and someone kisses me  
but it's not you  
so I don't really care  
and maybe I'm crying later  
lying in bed  
blaming myself for what I didn't say  
still unsure if I even should tell you  
blaming myself for drinking too much  
even if that isn't quite true  
even if it is  
as the cloud of depression falls over me again  
and one day maybe I'll tell you all this  
but not now, not yet  
it's just your whisky and these tear-soaked pages  
that's all the company I have  
because you can't be mine  
and I'd never break up your marriage  
but god do I miss you most  
at this time of year  
when you're just so far away from me  
I've fucked a dozen people since we last met  
when you had enough time to grab a quick drink  
and it was only a month ago  
and the men all looked like you  
all wonky teeth and stupid beard  
and I don't know when I got this pathetic  
it's not like it helped  
even if it was nice to be touched  
just for a while  
to close my eyes and pretend you're really here  
but you're not here  
you're far away  
I want to smash your face in  
for making me feel like this  
for turning me into this   
lovesick piece of shit  
I hate that I love you  
I hate that you love me back  
I hate that I feel so paralysed by you  
that I can't even say  
all these things to you  
I'm so fucking needy  
that's why I'm alone  
go back to your wife Alex  
I'm not worth your time  
stop making me miss you  
stop kissing me, you fool!  
none of this is helping  
just go away, you dick  
I don't want to see you  
I hate feeling like this  
but god if you walk through that door Alex  
I swear I'll kiss you so hard  
and hold you so tight until you have to go  
this is what you've done to me Alex  
you've turned me into this pathetic man  
who loves you so much I can't even tell you  
too ashamed to admit that I even care  
I got scared out of this love  
a long time ago  
and all it's done is made me unable  
to love you the way that you want me to  
so I'm not going to tell you  
I'm not going to call  
I'll throw away those presents  
and pretend I don't care  
but it's all just a lie  
why are you so far away from me?  
I need to see you  
I need to hear you say that you love me  
just one more time  
please, Alex?   
and maybe one day I'll really believe it  
I don't know how to get over you  
to pull myself back from this precipice  
there are footsteps in the hall again  
I can hear them walking by  
but it's not you, it can't be you  
you're far from me  
and I'm far from home  
and I'm definitely not going to  
call you this time  
even though it's so late  
but I just want to hear your voice  
god I hate that I love you  
why did you do this to me?  
I'm a wreck of a man  
reduced to this pathetic pining  
missing you so badly  
I can't even think straight  
fucking anyone who'll have me  
just to forget you for a while  
god why am I even writing this down?  
I'm so pathetic  
this is stupid  
it's not like you'll ever see it  
it doesn't even rhyme  
it's not even coherent  
just my stupid thoughts  
and my ridiculous pining  
for a boy I shouldn't love  
and can never have  
because you're already taken  
and maybe that's for the best  
because I'm not sure what I'd do  
if you really were available  
because someone like me  
doesn't deserve someone kind like you  
you're too good for me  
you're too good to me  
so I think I'll just finish your whisky  
and try not to cry  
as I count down the days  
until I see you again


End file.
